I'm HotSpotting Tonight on the Peoria.com Forums - Page 5

Call it what you want, Christi. I'm not unhappy. I don't believe all women are like my ex's. I may be a bit gun-shy about some things but I don't think that it's wrong to be cautious.

I'm sure any decent woman you choose to be with would forgive you for not buying her jewelry SC, personally I've got more than enough jewelry of my own and wouldn't need a man to purchase any for me anyway, but knowing that you didn't trust her because of past issues would have to be disturbing. Honestly I think if I knew a man felt that way about me I wouldn't want him to buy me anything. Just the thought of receiving a gift that was given under coercion would blow it.

i'm done here...

I hope you did not take offense to that SC... none was intended. It was just an observation, nothing more. I'm sorry.

Christi, what is up with us running off all the men on this thread?

Apparently I've lost my touch. That's ok, looks like Flip and Chyah have a topic he can really sink his teeth into.

No, your touch is still good, Christi

awwwww... With you around I'll always feel better about being me.

Well, there you go Christi, someone to buy you jewelry.
Don't worry, J, i've not been run off. It would take more than that. I just won't get in a battle of wit, with an unarmed person. Life is not that serious.

Unarmed? Wow, that's harsh.

For the record, I was not trying to be witty so I suppose in a way I was unarmed. Had I known I was heading into battle perhaps it would have been different. I only made an observation and I apologize if you felt I crossed the line. I did not know I'd hit a nerve.

Being a woman I took that as harsh. I felt any future mates were being judged by the same standard you judged prior women. They did what they did so you learned never to do the same nice things you did for them for any potential or future relationships. So basically any future lover, girlfriend, wife....etc is punished in advance for the maltreatment you suffered at the hands of women who were not worthy of you. If it wasn't a mistake why would you regret the gift?

Now I'm treading on thin ice here because my mention of it would imply I'm hurt men wont buy me jewelry. I don't need gifts SC, and I'm embarrassed if you think I'd fish for some. I don't need a man to buy me jewelry. Ever! Anyone who knows me and my past history with my husband KNOWS that. After ten years of NEVER receiving gifts the digital camera he bought me this year was a bit late and totally impersonal. I don't consider gifts to be a mainstay for a relationship or I would have left John 9 years ago.

But if you withhold all those tiny little details (gifts, trust, love) simply because you were burned by a past mistake then the only one being punished is the one your with now. He or she gets a partner that has been wounded by past failures and if your gifts of before failed to get you a lasting relationship then how would going without them make it any better for future mates? It seems to me that you've made up your mind to not give away more than just a bauble. Seems to me your protecting your heart and that's so very sad.

Yes, it's human nature not to want to get burned again but if you never make the effort to stand by that fire you'll never get warmed up. I think there's a balance we all need to find. Judge each individual relationship based on it's own integrity, not past experiences. Be ourselves and we have the greatest opportunity at being accepted and enjoying a lasting relationship. Has this worked for me? Not yet, but I'm trying and I'm going to try real hard NOT to project my past failures on the new man in my life.

I've made similar mistakes myself but I do not want the man in my life right now to be judged by prior relationships. I truly did not mean to offend you so please don't take anything I say to be judgmental or harsh.


LOOK! P-nut butter chocolate chip!

Christi, I'm going to have to agree with StrayCat here. Not saying you are WRONG by any means, just saying I know where he's coming from.

I've been burned MANY a time. Let's take it from an angle other than relationships: Loaning things. Generally when I loan something out -- a tool, appliance, money... if I get it back at all, it's damaged. Money rarely comes back, blender came back with no pitcher (it dropped,) and so on.

There are a lot of responsible people out there, and I know that not EVERYONE is rude like the people I have encountered when it comes to borrowing. HOWEVER, because of the results *I* have had over the years, I now have a no loaning policy. People will say "wow, you're so selfish," but it gets old having to go out and replace things that are ruined/missing because I made a bad decision. Because I have come to realize that I am not a good judge of character when it comes to trust, that's what I had to do. Should I keep loaning all my tools and money out in hopes that I find that one person who pays me back or returns my socket set?

So same with relationships. There are some who have been burned enough that they realize they are happier on their own rather than playing the dating game in hopes they find someone who will treat them right. On the other hand, there are people who are needy or rely on others for happiness and just bounce from one relationship to the next, all the while complaining of the drama in their lives, and that works for them. Bear in mind I am not passing judgement on either of these extreme hypothetical examples, I am just acknowledging different points of view and saying that some things work for some people.

Me personally, every one of my past relationships has ended up in money (or in one case, a car) stolen from me, cheating/leaving for someone else, and other unacceptable behavior. I came to accept that either I (for some reason) attracted these sorts of people, or I enabled this sort of behavior. Regardless, I chose to cease dating and related activities since it proved to be unhealthy for me. Some people can have a few drinks and no worries, others are alcoholics. I saw myself as the "alcoholic" of dating, and any degree of the activity tends to have negative effects on me.

Now as for what Christi said... is it FAIR of me to deprive those around me of things they need to borrow, money to pay a debt, or a tool to finish a job? Is it fair to deprive some woman (or women) the pleasure of my companionship because I refuse to give them a chance?

Depends on who the fairness is pointed at. If it's at the person in need, they can go elsewhere. I am not the only person in town with a power saw or $20. It's not like I'm the Olson family living on Little House on the Prairie. If we're talking about me, then yes, I think it's fair that I'm looking out for myself.

Good post, jeep.

Jeep, I SOOOO hear exactly what your saying, especially in your 4th paragraph. I was in a 15 yr. relationship with an abuser, cheater, controller and pathological liar. Its been 3 years and I have not once regretted my decision to kick him to the curb and move on!! I can be around this person but as for being in a realtionship with him, no: I have been burned and burned bad and am very cautious of falling into a relationship like that again.

I would love to have someone in my life again, but will not bounce around looking for that special person. I'm not needy and am fine on my own....Mr. Right will come around one day, hopefully.

Finally after 2 marriages I have come to realize the idea that you do not get happeness from others it must come from within. Iam now at peace and happy in my life.